underemployed

The job search continues…

I had a moment of sheer terror at work today. I was going about getting ready for closing when I look up and see the grad student that I worked closely with for a year and a half during the end of my B.S. and part of my M.S.

I hid. I couldn’t let him see how much of a failure I am (at least that’s what I thought at the moment). Guilt. Shame. All those feelings. He spent all that time teaching, training, and mentoring me and here I am, working at Whole Foods.

I’ve been working really hard to not feel these feelings constantly. I’ve been working to gain more useful skills. I’ve had friends revamp my resume. I just got accepted to a Master’s program for computer science. But with all of this, I still feel like crap for not having a “real” job. The job market is tough. I should feel lucky I even have this job.

It’s kind of embarrassing to have a Master’s degree in engineering and be handing out bread to people who treat you like an idiot. Like, what do other peoples’ resumes look like who get interview after interview? Did I just not do enough while I was in school? I feel like I worked my ass off, but apparently not enough. I just don’t understand, really.

Ugh, I’m sure things will turn around at some point. I’m just going to keep working at it. Time to accept my admissions to and work on getting some internships.

I had what I thought was a really good interview a little over three weeks ago. I was told that they had one more person to interview and were going to contact my references. Then, they’d get back to me in the following week. Well, that week has passed, and there has been not a peep. I sent two follow-up emails. One was just for thanking them for their time, etc. And the second was when the week passed that they said they’d get back to me checking to see if there was an update, but nothing. It’s kind of disheartening.

I applied to a few jobs last week, and I actually heard back from a couple of recruiters. I’m just waiting to see if any of the hiring managers would like to interview me. I’ll try to put in a few more applications this week and start trying to see what internships I can apply to once I’m a student again. I’m actually really happy that I got accepted in the program I applied to. I’ve been working on some online courses for a few months now (intro to computer science, data structures, algorithms, etc.). Now, I can have some check in the box that employers like to see.

I’m just trying to stay positive, and if not, just keep persevering and taking steps to get myself more employable. And playing Fallout when I need a break from life.

22 Months on T

And 8 months post op!

I took this picture the other day, and I have to say that I’m really happy with the way I look now.

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It’s amazing to actually feel good about my body. I still have my bad days when I think that I haven’t made enough progress or I have too much fat, but those are definitely outweighed by the good days. It also helps when I make comparisons to older photos. It’s hard to see the progress that you’re making when you see yourself everyday, but when you look back at the way you looked a few months ago, the differences definitely stand out. Sometimes I think I’m being vain when I take so many photos of myself, but it has helped a lot with my self-esteem in regards to my body.

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I also think that the image of myself in my head still hasn’t caught up to how I actually look. I think it’s still lagging behind. I’ve noticed this a lot lately since I’ve started working at a place where no one knows of my transgender status. I think I still have this idea in my head that people perceive me as more feminine than I really am. I haven’t heard or seen many people talk about this sort of thinking. I’m wondering how long it will take for my brain to catch up to reality.

In other transition news:

I’ve been tying up some loose ends with my name change the last week or so. I’m hoping pretty soon everything will have my correct name. The last things in the works are my passport and car and motorcycle registration (that I know of). I think getting all the documents changed has been one of the more tedious processes of transitioning. It’s awesome when you get the court order, but then contacting all the businesses you deal with is really a pain in the ass. Sometimes, they don’t really have any idea what to do with your name change request, but for the most part, people haven’t even batted an eye. Or maybe they did, but since most of my contact was through the phone, I don’t know if they did.

Beard progress:

I didn’t get a chance to take a picture of my facial hair in the daytime, which is when I have the best lighting. However, I’ve definitely noticed that it’s filling in really nicely, and there are more hairs creeping up on my cheeks and neck. I’m excited to think that in a couple more years, I’ll have a really nice beard going on.

Other thoughts:

While I’ve been having really good thoughts about the way my body looks, I’ve really been struggling to stay positive in regards to my job search. I think I’m on the borderline of depression. I am grateful to have a job at all, but when I think about all the work (and money) I’ve put into getting two bachelor’s and a master’s degree over the past seven years to only be able to land a job that I didn’t need a degree for at all… I don’t know. It just wears me down a little bit more every day. I’ve gotten a couple of rejections in the past couple of weeks that have made it even harder because I’ve basically been told I didn’t have enough of the right experience.

Also, it’s been a lot harder to focus on looking for and applying to jobs since I’ve basically been working full-time at Whole Foods. I’ve been exhausted by the time I get home and don’t want to do anything at all. Not to mention, my hours have been all over the place, so my sleeping has been all over the place. It’s been about a month now, and I’m finally getting used to it, so I hope that I’ll be able to devote more energy towards looking for jobs in my field.

I do have an opportunity to do temporary work on a research vessel from Hawaii to Seattle. I’ll glad take the opportunity to network and add some skills to my resume even if it’s only work for 3 months. I’m also hoping that I’m capable to do the job that I was told they wanted someone with more chemistry experience.

Ending on a good note:

Alex started T last Thursday! I’m excited for him since he’s been waiting so long because he was in the military. I will admit that I will be jealous when/if he gets as strong or stronger than I am. He’s already at the same strength that I was nearly a year on T. We’ll see how that pans out. Maybe it’ll give me motivation to work harder. I’ll also have to remind myself that I shouldn’t be comparing myself to other people anyway. It’s easy to get down when I start doing that.

I’m hoping I have some better news to report on the job front soon. Until next time!