A few weekends ago, my friend invited me out to an event at the lesbian bar. It’s been a while since I went out to a mostly gay and lesbian space. Last time, I was feeling extremely dysphoric due to the fact that I was misgendered the whole time.
This time was completely different. I actually felt pretty invisible. The lesbians pretty much ignored me, not so much of a smile or even a nod. It was pretty much the same with the gay men, too. It was very strange to feel like an outsider in a community that I used to feel so comfortable in, especially while I was in the military.
I have mixed feelings about this. One one hand, it’s nice to know that I’ve progressed so much in my transition that I’m pretty much seen as a guy now, but on the other hand, I feel like I’m not a member of that community anymore. I don’t get that silent acknowledgement from lesbians anymore when I’m out and about. I’m not sure if that’s even a thing among gay men.
I don’t really feel like I fit in with straight men, either. Ever since I joined the CrossFit gym, I actually feel more comfortable with the women in the gym. Whereas before transitioning, I used to feel more comfortable hanging out with the guys. I’m not sure if it’s just a numbers game. In the military and in most of my classes in school, there have been more men than women, so I had more friends that were men. But in the gym, it seems as if there are more women than men at the times that I am there. So maybe that’s why I am more comfortable around them?
It’s interesting the path that life leads us. Maybe as I continue further into my transition, this will be a non issue. I think sometimes (or a lot of the time) I’m still really self-conscious about how I am perceived by others. I still have this picture of myself in my head of me pre-transition. When I look in the mirror, I’m reminded of how I really look. But, I don’t see myself all the time, so the old image of myself is still there most of the day. I think my own perception of myself is taking longer to change than anyone else’s perception of me. It’s something I never thought about before as an aspect of transition. I haven’t seen any others talk about this either in blogs or vlogs.