Changing Perception

A few weekends ago, my friend invited me out to an event at the lesbian bar. It’s been a while since I went out to a mostly gay and lesbian space. Last time, I was feeling extremely dysphoric due to the fact that I was misgendered the whole time.

This time was completely different. I actually felt pretty invisible. The lesbians pretty much ignored me, not so much of a smile or even a nod. It was pretty much the same with the gay men, too. It was very strange to feel like an outsider in a community that I used to feel so comfortable in, especially while I was in the military.

I have mixed feelings about this. One one hand, it’s nice to know that I’ve progressed so much in my transition that I’m pretty much seen as a guy now, but on the other hand, I feel like I’m not a member of that community anymore. I don’t get that silent acknowledgement from lesbians anymore when I’m out and about. I’m not sure if that’s even a thing among gay men.

I don’t really feel like I fit in with straight men, either. Ever since I joined the CrossFit gym, I actually feel more comfortable with the women in the gym. Whereas before transitioning, I used to feel more comfortable hanging out with the guys. I’m not sure if it’s just a numbers game. In the military and in most of my classes in school, there have been more men than women, so I had more friends that were men. But in the gym, it seems as if there are more women than men at the times that I am there. So maybe that’s why I am more comfortable around them?

It’s interesting the path that life leads us. Maybe as I continue further into my transition, this will be a non issue. I think sometimes (or a lot of the time) I’m still really self-conscious about how I am perceived by others. I still have this picture of myself in my head of me pre-transition. When I look in the mirror, I’m reminded of how I really look. But, I don’t see myself all the time, so the old image of myself is still there most of the day. I think my own perception of myself is taking longer to change than anyone else’s perception of me. It’s something I never thought about before as an aspect of transition. I haven’t seen any others talk about this either in blogs or vlogs.

6 months on T!

I can’t believe it’s been half a year already. Time has both flown and crawled by depending on the perspective I take when thinking about it.

First thing’s first because who wants to scroll all the way to the bottom of this post to see pictures.

20131025 Back

20131025 Body 1

20131025 Body 2

Harry decided he wanted to be part of the pictures this morning, haha.

Voice: I don’t think it’s changed that much since last month. I think that is either starting to level out or changing so gradually that I can’t tell anymore. If my voice doesn’t change at all from now, I wouldn’t mind at all, though. I like how it is now.

Hair: Oh man, there’s a lot more of that than I expected. My upper thighs are almost as hairy as the lower part of my legs now. I even have hair on my butt now, which I wasn’t really expecting at all. There is some I’ve noticed that is coming in on my stomach and chest now, but it’s still pretty fine and light in color. Oh, and I’m getting more facial hair now. I’ve noticed in the last month that’s it’s starting to come in not only along my jaw line, but underneath my jaw towards the neck area.

Fat distribution: This is probably the part that I thought would have changed more by now, but hasn’t really changed at all. So, I’m slightly disappointed by that. My hips and thighs are still the same size as they were at the beginning, if not slightly bigger. I know some of that is due to muscle, but the fat that I started with in those areas seems to be sticking around for the long haul. It also makes for finding pants that fit right (or the way I want) a bit of a problem. I’ve been working out consistently for 5 days a week for about the past month now. So, I’m going to try to make some slight changes to my diet to see if that helps any, though the season for gluttony is coming up, so we’ll see how that goes.

Muscles: I am still getting stronger. My muscles are still increasing in size, and I’ve seen huge gains in my performance at CrossFit. I think that’s more of a product of just working hard and pushing myself beyond my comfort zone than the testosterone so much.

Overall: I’m feeling pretty good, even though Alex is gone for a few more months. My research isn’t going as well as I’d like either, but I’ve been trying really hard to keep a healthy balance between work/school and everything outside of that. The injections have become a normal part of my life now, and I don’t look forward to them with any anxiousness now. In fact, sometimes I almost forget that it’s the day of my injections. I keep a reminder in my Google calendar, or else there are some days when I would have forgotten.

Other news: I contacted the two surgeons that are covered by my insurance. One of them is in Beverly Hills, Dr. Gary Alter, and the other in San Francisco, Dr. Scott Mosser. Just based on my phone interactions with both of their offices, I’m already leaning towards Dr. Mosser. I’ve got an in office consultation with Dr. Alter set up and a virtual consultation with Dr. Mosser, both for next week. I also have family in the Bay Area, so that would make post-op recovery a little easier, probably, as opposed to Beverly Hills, where I’d have to get a hotel there since I think San Diego is too far for comfort.