stealth

A Nice Surprise

I went up to the armpit of California this weekend/beginning of the week to help my family with their move into their new house. It was ridiculously hot compared to what I’m used to down in San Diego. I was expecting my family to continue to call me by my birth name and use female pronouns, but I was pleasantly surprised. They actually made an effort to call me August and even corrected themselves when they used the wrong name. They did the same with male pronouns. It was a really nice experience. I don’t know why they decided to change all of a sudden, but I have two theories: Either they decided that since my legal name change was supposed to happen on Friday they should now try or they stumbled upon my blog and saw that I was bothered by them calling me by my birth name. Either way, it was really nice, and I’ll just go with it.

I’m coming up on 11 weeks on testosterone pretty soon here. I’ve noticed that people aren’t misgendering anymore, but really just not gendering me at all. When I go to stores or restaurants, the cashiers will use sir or ma’am with the customers ahead of me, but then when it comes to my turn, they don’t use any gendered terms at all. For me, this is actually a nice change since a few weeks ago I was complaining about still getting called ma’am and whatnot. However, I’m still looking forward to when I will get consistently called sir.

I put off coming out at work until my name change was legal, but since it got postponed, it gave me a reason to procrastinate more. It’s kind of disappointing in a way though, since I kind of want it to just be over with at this point. Coming out to people causes a lot of anxiety for me, and the thought of coming out to about 10-15 at once kind of sends it into overdrive. I just want to be done with this whole coming out process. I’m ready to get to the point where everyone that knew me before my transition is aware of my current gender identity and also where new people I meet only know me as August. I don’t know how I feel about living in stealth. I feel as though I will be open and honest with people I get to know. There is a huge part of my life that I don’t want to hide, and that experience is tied to the gender I was living as at the time. I can’t erase the past. It has made me who I am today.

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