Another Sleepless Night…

This is the second night this week that I’m unable to fall asleep almost immediately after getting into bed, which is unusual for me, and it’s only Wednesday evening. Alex got an offer for a job that’s in DC. He’s all but signed the paperwork to be hired. I feel like I should be happy for him, it’s a really good opportunity and definitely a better job than his current one, but all I feel is sadness. I don’t even know how long we’ll be apart. But for me, moving to DC doesn’t even feel like an option. I’m just barely about to land my first “real” job after almost a year of searching since graduation with no luck and working a retail job that I hated. I can’t even imagine passing up the opportunity to finally have a job that I like and will actually give me good experience for the future.

Several people have asked if we’re staying together, which seems like a ridiculous question to me, but in a way, it feels like we’re breaking up. We’ve already talked about who gets to keep which pet, splitting of kitchen appliances, etc. It’s a lot to think about. I’ll have to go back to living with a roommate since we’re stuck in this lease for another year. Going back to having all my belongings in a single room like a poor college student.

I think about the fact that we’ve finally been able to make some progress the past few months on building up savings and paying down debt, but with the cost of moving, paying rent and deposit on another apartment, furnishing a second apartment, etc., all of that hard work will be for naught.

I just feel like we’re moving backwards, instead of forwards. I can’t help but think of the plans that we’ve talked about, adopting a child and buying a house, and mourn their loss. There’s obviously no rush on buying a house (except house prices are starting to go up again), but I do think that time is definitely ticking down on the optimal to age to start raising a child. I know 30 years old isn’t THAT old, but when I think about the age I’ll be when that child moves on with their life outside of our household, then it makes me feel old. And the longer we wait, the older we’ll both be.

We’ve spent so much time apart already. I miss him just thinking about him being gone. It’s not like with his current job we would have been able to see each other much either with all the travel, but this just feels more permanent, whereas with his current job it was temporary until he could prove himself and get promoted to a position that required less travel.

I have no happy ending to this post, no positive light to shine on to think about when I’m feeling particularly bad. I think I’ll just end up feeling shitty for a while, trying to distract myself with stupid things like video games and dates. Just when I thought I was getting back to somewhat “normal” life since getting off the ship.

Edit: Maybe this wasn’t the most appropriate place to express my feelings. I did not mean to make it sound like Alex made this decision lightly and without regard for our relationship. We came to the decision together for him to go and me stay. I thought I was okay with that decision, but as the reality is setting in, I’m realizing I just need more time. I just needed a place to sort my thoughts and process what I’m feeling. I know I’ll eventually get to the point where I’m actually okay with this in time.

Advertisements

2 comments

  1. It is a very difficult decision to make about staying or going, and it sounds like Alex already made the decision to go regardless of what you do. All I can advise you to do is to talk about it with him so that your decisions are conscious and connected to each other, rather than just letting it happen.
    In the long run for your happiness you need to decide if being with Alex is more important than landing a job, or if the stability of a relationship is more important. I wouldn’t worry about turning 30 and having nothing to show for it yet, the world is full of people who meandered about and didn’t get to careers and kids until later in life.

    1. Well, a couple of weeks ago when it seemed likely he’d be getting a job on the East coast, we talked about our living arrangements and such, with him going there and me staying here, but now that it’s actually a reality, emotions and thoughts are surfacing that I didn’t really expect. We’ve been through much harder separations with his deployment and training that I know our relationship is strong enough and capable of handling this too. I just wasn’t quite as ready for it as I thought. I’m sure with time, I’ll get be able to process this too and find myself in a better, happier place.

      I know for both of us getting a job that will help with both of our careers is pretty important in improving our overall life satisfaction. I just think back to a few months ago when I was still applying to jobs every day and working at Whole Foods, and I know I can’t go back to that. That would be far more detrimental to my happiness than being apart from Alex for a bit.

      As always, I appreciate your comments, Jamie. They always give me something to think about or a different way of looking at things.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s