Month: February 2015

22 Months on T

And 8 months post op!

I took this picture the other day, and I have to say that I’m really happy with the way I look now.

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It’s amazing to actually feel good about my body. I still have my bad days when I think that I haven’t made enough progress or I have too much fat, but those are definitely outweighed by the good days. It also helps when I make comparisons to older photos. It’s hard to see the progress that you’re making when you see yourself everyday, but when you look back at the way you looked a few months ago, the differences definitely stand out. Sometimes I think I’m being vain when I take so many photos of myself, but it has helped a lot with my self-esteem in regards to my body.

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I also think that the image of myself in my head still hasn’t caught up to how I actually look. I think it’s still lagging behind. I’ve noticed this a lot lately since I’ve started working at a place where no one knows of my transgender status. I think I still have this idea in my head that people perceive me as more feminine than I really am. I haven’t heard or seen many people talk about this sort of thinking. I’m wondering how long it will take for my brain to catch up to reality.

In other transition news:

I’ve been tying up some loose ends with my name change the last week or so. I’m hoping pretty soon everything will have my correct name. The last things in the works are my passport and car and motorcycle registration (that I know of). I think getting all the documents changed has been one of the more tedious processes of transitioning. It’s awesome when you get the court order, but then contacting all the businesses you deal with is really a pain in the ass. Sometimes, they don’t really have any idea what to do with your name change request, but for the most part, people haven’t even batted an eye. Or maybe they did, but since most of my contact was through the phone, I don’t know if they did.

Beard progress:

I didn’t get a chance to take a picture of my facial hair in the daytime, which is when I have the best lighting. However, I’ve definitely noticed that it’s filling in really nicely, and there are more hairs creeping up on my cheeks and neck. I’m excited to think that in a couple more years, I’ll have a really nice beard going on.

Other thoughts:

While I’ve been having really good thoughts about the way my body looks, I’ve really been struggling to stay positive in regards to my job search. I think I’m on the borderline of depression. I am grateful to have a job at all, but when I think about all the work (and money) I’ve put into getting two bachelor’s and a master’s degree over the past seven years to only be able to land a job that I didn’t need a degree for at all… I don’t know. It just wears me down a little bit more every day. I’ve gotten a couple of rejections in the past couple of weeks that have made it even harder because I’ve basically been told I didn’t have enough of the right experience.

Also, it’s been a lot harder to focus on looking for and applying to jobs since I’ve basically been working full-time at Whole Foods. I’ve been exhausted by the time I get home and don’t want to do anything at all. Not to mention, my hours have been all over the place, so my sleeping has been all over the place. It’s been about a month now, and I’m finally getting used to it, so I hope that I’ll be able to devote more energy towards looking for jobs in my field.

I do have an opportunity to do temporary work on a research vessel from Hawaii to Seattle. I’ll glad take the opportunity to network and add some skills to my resume even if it’s only work for 3 months. I’m also hoping that I’m capable to do the job that I was told they wanted someone with more chemistry experience.

Ending on a good note:

Alex started T last Thursday! I’m excited for him since he’s been waiting so long because he was in the military. I will admit that I will be jealous when/if he gets as strong or stronger than I am. He’s already at the same strength that I was nearly a year on T. We’ll see how that pans out. Maybe it’ll give me motivation to work harder. I’ll also have to remind myself that I shouldn’t be comparing myself to other people anyway. It’s easy to get down when I start doing that.

I’m hoping I have some better news to report on the job front soon. Until next time!

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