Now that I’m done with school and mostly recovered from surgery, I’m looking for jobs. With that comes the need to be properly attired for potential job interviews. I love getting new clothes, but it almost always brings on a lot of negative thoughts for me. Nothing ever fits me right. More specifically, my hips are simply too large. It’s really frustrating. I’ve been wearing shorts for the past few months because I can’t stand how my jeans accentuate my hips.
This makes it really hard for me to go shopping for suits and pants, where the shirts are intended to be tucked into the pants. For me, it just feels like it’s calling attention to the fact that I’m not a cisgender man. I don’t have the relatively straight line that most guys have. My waist is still significantly smaller than my hips. In fact, I don’t think my hips measurement has changed at all since starting testosterone over 15 months ago. When I do finally find pants that fit my hips, they are too large in the waist and legs. They are way too baggy, and it just looks sloppy.
I had planned to stop by a Men’s Wearhouse this afternoon to figure out my measurements for suits, but I couldn’t bring myself to even go in the store. I just have a lot of anxiety about the “feminine” shape of my lower body. I wish there was a trans friendly suit shop somewhere, but I’m not even sure such a thing exists. I ended up going to an Express where I could just try on clothes myself. I basically just reaffirmed that nothing fits properly.
I thought by now at least some of my fat would have left my lower body, but I feel like I’m just going to be stuck with it forever, unless I go one some extremely restricted diet. I have no intention of restricting my calories or intake in any way. I feel like I eat a healthy, balanced diet right now. Plus, I’d rather be gaining muscle and strength. It’s not like I’d be able to realistically shift my body composition in a desirable way before I’d have to go on an interview anyway.
When I lose fat, it seems as if it comes off more from my upper body than lower body. It makes me wonder if my hormones are at the appropriate levels. I just wish I could have my reproductive organs removed, so then at least I’d know that the testosterone isn’t fighting with the estrogen my body is producing. If I have one disappointment with my transition, it’s that I feel like my fat deposits have remained exactly the same. I’m happy with everything else that has happened.
But yeah, tomorrow is another day, and hopefully I will make it into the suit shop for measurements and trying on suits. I have to remind myself that I just need something to get me through job interviews.