Month: August 2014

16 Months On T

At this point in my transition, the number of months that I’ve been on testosterone aren’t nearly as exciting as they used to be. I remembered this morning that it was my 16 months today, but by the time I remembered, I was already dressed so I decided not to take my monthly photos. I suppose I can’t call them monthly photos anymore since I’ve missed a couple of other months as well. I think my plan for that is to just update on the 18 months mark and again at 24 months. Then we’ll see what happens after that. I plan to take photos of my workout progress, but I will probably only post them on my Tumblr blog since that’s more geared towards my workouts.

Some exciting things have happened this month, though. I was able to return to CrossFit at my 6 weeks post op mark. I’ve been going pretty consistently for the past three and a half weeks now. I nearly have full range of motion back now with all overhead movements. The only time I feel a little tightness is when I’m trying to dead hang from a pull up bar, but it’s probably 1000x better than three and a half weeks ago.

This weekend, my gym hosted a swim clinic. It’s the first time that I’ve really been topless in front of people besides Alex. It was a really good feeling. No one looked at me weird and life continued on as normal. Alex and I also went stand up paddleboarding this weekend where I was able to go topless. It’s such a nice feeling to just be able to take off my shirt and jump in the water. No worrying about adjusting my swim suit top and making sure things don’t fall out, etc.

My voice may still be dropping. I’m not sure. Alex made a comment about it the other morning. I’ll have to record it and compare it to some older videos. I didn’t really expect much to change at this point, but who knows, I’ve heard of it happening to others.

Not much else exciting happening as far as changes really. I’m getting more noticeable hairs on my chest, but they may have been there before. I didn’t make it a habit of inspecting my chest pre-top surgery. Now, I tend to look at it when I’m massaging the scars at night.

I think I’m at a point now where I’d consider myself “post-transition.” Bottom surgery has been on my mind, particularly a hysterectomy, but I don’t feel it to be as necessary as top surgery was to me even from before I began transitioning. I have seen quite a few photos and stories about metoidioplasty. I really like the results I’ve seen from that surgery, it’s honestly not a feasible option at this point though with how expensive it is and whatnot. If someday in the future, we have enough money, it’s definitely something that I’d like to invest in.

I still have some unhappiness with my fat distribution. Some days, I really hate it. Others though, it doesn’t seem so bad to me. I have a lot more good days than bad days in that regard. I feel like I’m moving in the right direction as far as changing the way I think about it.

But yeah, that’s my 16 months on T. Until next time.

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8 Weeks Post Op

Yesterday was my 8 weeks post op. I can’t believe it’s been 8 weeks now. It seemed like it was going slow at first, but now it feels like the time has flown by. Things are looking really good in my opinion. The left side is still slightly bigger than the right side. It’s probably just residual swelling. I’ve read that it can take up to 6 months to fully go away. The scars seemed to have gotten a bit thicker, but it’s to be expected, I suppose. I’ve been massaging them and the surrounding areas to break up some of the scar tissue and to regain my range of motion. I’ve been back to CrossFit for two weeks now. My strength in certain areas have suffered as I expected, but other areas are surprisingly strong. I feel like I can lift some of my old weights despite the time off. It feels really good. I also got a personal record on my mile time last week. It felt really nice to have an improvement so soon. It’s probably a combination of the fact that I have been doing cardio since 3 weeks post op and also that I don’t have an extra tight sports bra around my chest, constricting my breathing.

56 Days Post Op

56 Days Post Op

10 Days Post Op

10 Days Post Op

In other news, my suit is ready to be picked up tomorrow. I’m kind of nervous about it, but if it needs further alterations, then I’ll try to find a good tailor in the area to work with me. I bought some new shirts with some graduation money. It makes me feel slightly better about myself when I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror, and I can actually be proud of my chest instead of criticizing how the binder looks, etc. I’m still trying to get myself to a place where my hips don’t bother me as much, but here goes.

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Fashion Woes

Now that I’m done with school and mostly recovered from surgery, I’m looking for jobs. With that comes the need to be properly attired for potential job interviews. I love getting new clothes, but it almost always brings on a lot of negative thoughts for me. Nothing ever fits me right. More specifically, my hips are simply too large. It’s really frustrating. I’ve been wearing shorts for the past few months because I can’t stand how my jeans accentuate my hips.

This makes it really hard for me to go shopping for suits and pants, where the shirts are intended to be tucked into the pants. For me, it just feels like it’s calling attention to the fact that I’m not a cisgender man. I don’t have the relatively straight line that most guys have. My waist is still significantly smaller than my hips. In fact, I don’t think my hips measurement has changed at all since starting testosterone over 15 months ago. When I do finally find pants that fit my hips, they are too large in the waist and legs. They are way too baggy, and it just looks sloppy.

I had planned to stop by a Men’s Wearhouse this afternoon to figure out my measurements for suits, but I couldn’t bring myself to even go in the store. I just have a lot of anxiety about the “feminine” shape of my lower body. I wish there was a trans friendly suit shop somewhere, but I’m not even sure such a thing exists. I ended up going to an Express where I could just try on clothes myself. I basically just reaffirmed that nothing fits properly.

I thought by now at least some of my fat would have left my lower body, but I feel like I’m just going to be stuck with it forever, unless I go one some extremely restricted diet. I have no intention of restricting my calories or intake in any way. I feel like I eat a healthy, balanced diet right now. Plus, I’d rather be gaining muscle and strength. It’s not like I’d be able to realistically shift my body composition in a desirable way before I’d have to go on an interview anyway.

When I lose fat, it seems as if it comes off more from my upper body than lower body. It makes me wonder if my hormones are at the appropriate levels. I just wish I could have my reproductive organs removed, so then at least I’d know that the testosterone isn’t fighting with the estrogen my body is producing. If I have one disappointment with my transition, it’s that I feel like my fat deposits have remained exactly the same. I’m happy with everything else that has happened.

But yeah, tomorrow is another day, and hopefully I will make it into the suit shop for measurements and trying on suits. I have to remind myself that I just need something to get me through job interviews.