Passing Awkwardness

Last night, I went to a local burger joint because I was too lazy to cook, and I wanted a beer. I skipped being seated at a table and sat down at the bar in an empty chair. There was a couple to my right and a guy who wasn’t with anyone to my left. I ordered a beer and some food. Some time passes before my food shows up. During the time, I’m sipping on my beer and staring at the TV, not really watching it though. Finally, my food comes, and I begin to eat. Then, the guy to my left starts talking to me about the college football game that is on the TV. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have very little interest in football, except for the fact that I have a relative that plays in the NFL, so I occasionally check to see how his team is doing. But anyway, it was only slightly awkward for me. I know enough about football to get by. As I left, I told him to have a good night, and he replied with, “have a good night, man.” That pretty much made my night.

But that isn’t really where the awkwardness comes in. I still use the women’s restroom in the building where I work because of the fact that most people there know me, and I don’t feel comfortable at all using the men’s restroom, especially with the guys that I work with. It’s not that they treat me any differently than any other guy, it’s really just my own awkwardness and insecurities. However, lately I’ve gone into the women’s restroom and gotten strange or surprised looks. There was even a time when a janitor was cleaning the restroom and tried to tell me that I was in the wrong restroom. Outside of where I work, I’ve been making myself use the men’s restroom. But, I’m at a point where gendered spaces are really awkward for me, whether they are men’s or women’s spaces. It probably has more to do with my own insecurities than anything. I haven’t gotten any strange looks in the men’s bathroom, just the women’s bathroom. I just need to work on being confident and feeling like I belong.

As the frequency of being identified correctly increases, the better I feel about moving within men only spaces. I just want to be able to use the restroom without any anxiety.

In other news, CrossFit has been going really well. Today was an outdoor workout at the beach since the gym was being use for a weightlifting clinic. I met another CrossFitter (Bill) who typically works out in the morning (6:30am, bleh), so I haven’t met him yet. I introduced myself to him, and we chatted a bit. Then, the coach, Jesse, came up and told us today was a partner WOD and that we should partner with the same gender. Bill chose me as his partner, and we completed the workout awesomely.

Jesse has been talking about upcoming CrossFit competitions. I think it sounds like a fun way to motivate and push myself. I talked to him about competing as a beginner male, and he assured me that he could have me ready to compete with a couple more months of experience and training. I’m pretty excited to compete just to prove to myself that I can do it.

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