“I’ll always think of you as a lesbian.”

I went out to dinner with a couple of friends this evening. The subject of what we were going to wear to pride came up. One of my friends, A, said that she was going to wear some leather outfit with ridiculous spiked heels or something to that effect. I said I’d just be wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and my other friend, B, said she’d probably be wearing the same. A then made a comment about how that’s something that lesbians do. I gave her a look, and she told me that she’d always think of me as a lesbian. I actually feel a bit offended by this comment. First off, I’m attracted to both genders and everything in between, and she knows this. I did at once identify as lesbian, but as I got older, I realized that I was more attracted to who a person was rather than what gender they happened to be. Second, I feel like she doesn’t respect my identity as male.  Needless to say,  I was kind of annoyed, but I let it pass. I’m not one to cause drama. The best response I could come up with is, “I’m sure there will be guys there wearing shorts and a t-shirt.” I’m not really sure what I should have done in this situation, or if there is really anything I can even do to get someone who has known me for a while to change the way they view me.


  1. It’s okay to remind your friend of the reality. She is discounting your sense of self and your identity. You’re a better person than me. My response would have been something like, “yes, well, I’ll always think of you as jack—s.”

  2. This is one of those tough situations that doesn’t have a perfect answer. She may say she will always think of you as a lesbian, but I don’t think she will. The more masculine you look and behave in the coming months and years will have a subtle but very real impact on her perception of you. Honestly I think that’s why my family uses male pronouns for me now – it isn’t that they are more accepting, it’s because their brain sees me and associates me with “maleness.”

    On a site note – you’re absolutely allowed to say that her comment bothered you. It isn’t creating drama to be honest and stand up for yourself.

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