I’m not sure how to start this blog. I wanted to put down something witty, clever, thought-provoking, and/or inspiring, but for the lack of words I’ll just say I’m going through a period of my life where I’m truly comfortable with exploring who I am as a person.
A few months ago, I got engaged to my very wonderful fiancee. If not from the moment I met her, a couple of weeks of us talking made me sure that she was the one that I thought I could spend my life with. Even before I met her, I’d imagined that if I ever got married, I’d wear a nice suit or tux. Then we got engaged, and we started talking about what to wear to our wedding. I wanted her to wear a dress. She also wanted me to wear a dress because for some reason she thinks I look good in dresses, based on the one time she saw me in one. So, I compromised, and said that if she wore a dress, I would. I don’t know why for sure I wanted her to wear a dress… I guess I didn’t want a stereotypical lesbian wedding. I guess I just didn’t want to be viewed as a butch lesbian trying to fulfill the “masculine” role. I don’t know. I’m not sure why I was supposed to us both wearing suits.
Fast forward to last week or so (I’m not really sure when, the lack of sleep and stress of finals made the days blend together), I was up late working on a paper or presentation or something for school. My fiancee had gone to bed, so while I was working, I decided to take a peak at Facebook. One of my friends posted a video of an FTM transition video, and I decided to watch it. As the video began to play, I understood everything this person struggled with as a young girl. By the end, I was feeling a variety of emotions: hopeful, jealous, envious, etc… but most of all, I was sure that I didn’t want to wear a dress at my wedding. I didn’t act on this at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew. I texted her while she was at work telling her that I wanted us to wear to our wedding whatever would make us both feel comfortable. She questioned what made me change my mind, but I didn’t really give her an answer, just mumbled something about both of us being comfortable. Later that night, I was up late working again, and she was sleeping. It was then that I told her that I have never felt comfortable in my body, living as a woman. Not so straight-forward, I told her that I felt/feel like a man on the inside, in more words, of course. She is the first person that I’ve told how I’ve felt.
This is something that I’ve thought about in the past, but there weren’t the kind of resources then that there is now. Now, we have YouTube, blogs, scientific articles, and the likes all over the internet. At the time, I was in the military, and struggling enough with having to hide my sexuality as a gay girl. I pushed aside my feelings/desires of being a male, but ever since I saw that video, it has come back. It’s as if the flood gates have been opened, and it has consumed nearly every free moment I’ve had thinking about it. I hope that this will calm down after a few days or so, I can see it becoming problematic if it’s all I think about.
I’ve started seeking out information from the internet. I’ve been reading about the effects of testosterone, watching videos of transmen on YouTube, trying to seek out sound medical advice, etc. I’ve thought about the repercussions of transitioning as far as work, school, and family are concerned. I feel this great urge to just jump right in, but I know I should take a moment to breathe. I am convinced that I should seek out some sort of counsel. I am considering going to a trans support group in the area. There is so much I want/need to learn about, it’s hard for it not to consume me. I still need to focus on other aspects of my life… my fiancee, school, work, finding a job, saving for a wedding, saving for a baby, and the list goes on.
The purpose of me starting this blog is just to find a way to organize my thoughts, and maybe at the end of it, I’ll share it publicly in hopes that it will help someone else who is having the same struggles. Hopefully sometime in the near future, I will talk about my experiences growing up, and how I came to this realization.